Self-Discovery in Self-Publishing

Cynthia Ayala // Blog Writer

I was seventeen when I published my first novel. It was awful; I regret it every day. The book, not the experience. But it taught me so much and even though I look back and wish I had spent way more time on the editing and cover design, that was the moment I decided that I wanted to be a publisher, not just a writer.

It was tough at first. I sent out my novel to small publishers and literary agents, getting rejection letter after rejection letter. If I knew then what I knew now I would have realized that my novel was not ready to be published on any level. But I didn’t. I felt deflated and depressed much of the time, wondering if I was good at all at my dream. I spent days at my desk typing, forgetting to eat, until my mom would call me asking what I had for lunch. Then I would just sit there at 6 pm every day, wondering why I was still writing when no one but my mom and boyfriend at the time were the only ones believing in me, when I didn’t believe in myself.

I didn’t get to go to Emerson when I wanted. I had to defer twice due to some financial issues, which just deflated me even more, and for a while I started to stop believing in myself. But the time passed and I continued writing and I spent that time writing my Harry Potter fan fiction that people were loving, and it was through those reviews that I started to believe in myself and my ability to write again. And when I finally went to Emerson, I learned a lot about myself and what I wanted to do with my life.

And it happened again. I had to take some more time off from school after my sophomore year because I didn’t get on-campus housing and I was unable to find an affordable apartment before I returned to Florida. So I took that time a year and a half and I got a part time job at the movie theater by my house and I worked on my novel Blood Hunger. I also decided that I didn’t want this novel to have anything to do with my previous work so I picked up a pseudonym, Nia Dragin. Nia was a nickname of a character I wrote about and I loved that character – she was all kinds of bad but with a good heart she tried to hide. And the Dragin came from my love of dragons. And that was that. I remember I did some research on printing my novel and what happened was I came upon Gorham Printing services and they sent me this free booklet on preparing a book for printing. I still keep it, even though I know how to do things better just because it’s a good resource to have around. It helped me along in my way and got me started on the path I’m at now. I came up with a rudimentary logo that was “Nia Dragin Books” in some fancy illegible font in a black circle and I searched for an artist. I eventually found this great guy who did amazing work who said he would do it, I just had to send him a copy of the book when he was done. It was great! The cover came out just how I wanted it to, it looked perfect.

When I got my first proof copy I was thrilled. I jumped up and down and decided to use my savings for this. This was in 2014. I was so excited and all my coworkers were happy for me. My bosses let me create ads and put them up in the breakroom and when I got the book I was shocked at how many people wanted to buy the book from me. It was a thrill. I was officially a published author by my own right. And I loved doing it.

When I returned to school, I took more publishing courses, especially one in book design that gave an introduction to InDesign. Then there was the Book Publishing Overview course and the copyediting course I took. I learned so much on those classes about design and marketing and the publishing system and in those classes, in the editing, in the fact that I had tons of fun copyediting, was where I discovered that I loved everything about it. So I stuck with it – I stuck with the plan to start my own publishing company and I got the LLC. I started saving up and bought ISBN’s on Bowker. I never stopped learning. I learned about Ingram and everything it could do for me, how essential it was for me to get in that.

That was where I found out about Blurb, which is every self-publisher’s best friend. With Blurb and InDesign I felt like I was really on my way to designing a great book. I outsourced to Barnes and Noble Nook Press and worked with them via email and over the phone to design the back cover and the front cover and the results were amazing. It was what I wanted and they tried their hardest to create a cohesive theme to the first book. They were great people to work with. The biggest problem was the price. It cost me almost $600 that I had to pay in installments for the cover artwork. It’s not outlandish but for a student who is paying rent and working minimum wage it was hard. But I did it because I loved my book, I wanted to publish it again and with my research showing that print-to-order was on the rise with publishers, it seemed like the greatest plan. I stand by it. Again, my friends and family bought the second book, showing me the love and appreciation that I needed. They helped me believe in myself.

As I continued my process, as I continued my lessons in book editing, eBook design, and continued to play with InDesign and Adobe, I found that there was a lot I could do by myself. With Adobe there was adobe stock and it was there that I found the pictures and textures for my third novel. It was within my process of learning that I found my love of design. Making books is just fun. It’s a lot of hard work but at the end, to see your image and hold it and know you created it, the feeling is that of joy. Sure there is all the nervousness of your book being out there, and yeah it sucks when it’s not selling like you hoped, but that’s not the point. The point is I wrote something and I put it out there. I’m working to make my dream a reality. Maybe I won’t be the next J.K.Rowling like my fiancé says I will be (because he believes in me much more than I believe in myself) but I’m not holding out some lost hopes that I’m going to make it in a day.

Hope is a big thing that you have to hold onto and setting up high expectations won’t help. You’ve got to be realistic, you’ve got to keep going at it. I don’t know if my publishing company will take off. It might fail, I might have to file for bankruptcy, or it might become so big and be the next Random  House. I don’t know, and it’s scary to think it might fail. But even if it does, even if my books don’t sell as much as I’d like, I’m still creating these works of art and sharing a part of myself with the world. I’m making my mark, however small, and it’s both scary and exhilarating all at the same time. It’s crazy to think I’m actually doing this. I’m creating a marketing plan. I’m learning so much about how to create simple book trailers, where and when I should send my book for reviews, and the power of hashtags (which are strangely very important in marketing), and learning that I can do this. As long as I don’t give up I can try and build my company. I can help others on their own journeys. Already some people are coming to me asking me for my resources and I’m only too glad to help. Because I know it’s tough and I’ve done all the hard work, all the research, put my heart and soul into everything to make my dream a reality. Heck, even if I can’t make myself a bestseller, maybe I can make someone else one.

It’s a journey I’m still on – one I’ll be on for the rest of my life – and I wouldn’t change a thing. I don’t even think I would go back in time and tell myself to not publish that book and to listen to what the rejection letters were saying (although they didn’t say much) because then I don’t know that I would have discovered my joy of publishing, of editing and copyediting and finding things like Grammarly and Natural Speaker to help me on my way. I’d probably still be sending out query letters, who can say, but this journey I’m on now, it’s given me something nothing can take away: confidence in myself, and for that, I’m proud of all the hard work I’ve done.